Of course, it's easy to let all of the wedding preparations balloon out of control. It seems that the thought that "this only happens once" can easily take hold of even the most level-headed brides. I'm not always the most level-headed, but when shopping for a gown, or making the invitations, or picking music for the ceremony, I didn't really let things go to my head. I don't really remember thinking, "this has to be perfect because this is our only shot" about any of those things. I mentioned this to Jordan, and he responded, "Good. Keep thinking that way."
But with the wedding so close, and reality sinking in that this is really happening, and all eyes will be on us that day, I honestly think that our wedding, as well as aspects of the preparations, have turned into idols. Somewhere between a month to go and two weeks to go, the wedding became gilded in gold, and it morphed into this combination of unrealistic ideals and thoughts of what-ifs and it-should've-been. It's taken a couple of breakdowns and a couple of lost hours of sleep and several rational talks with Jordan to make me realize that I have begun to "perfectionist" the wedding, getting in arguments with Jordan over things like whether we should sing a hymn in the ceremony, or picking out songs to put on our CD mix wedding favors.
I think I understand why this happens, at least in part. Let me speak from a woman's perspective: typically, a woman's wedding day is probably the only day in her life where everyone is waiting on her hand and foot; everyone is anticipating her entrance into the ceremony; all eyes are on her, photographers follow her every move like paparazzi, everyone tells her how beautiful she is, everyone is thinking about her, her, her. With all of that attention comes a lot of pressure, and who wouldn't want everything to be perfect? After all, this is basically the biggest party of your life, literally hundreds of people show up, and most brides spend months (or, Lord help them, over a year) preparing for this, as well as preparing themselves, striving to be as beautiful as possible.
So yeah, it can get a little overwhelming, to say the least. And I am the kind of person who can place a lot of stock in events like this; I desperately want things to go perfectly, so that I have nothing but pleasant, beautiful memories to give me happiness for the rest of my days. But there are a lot of things wrong with that sentence. First of all, nothing is going to go perfectly, and it's definitely not going to go exactly how you expect it to. If I had it my way, all of my family and friends would be here all of the time, and we would laugh and plan and be excited about everything together. But as it is, my family doesn't all live in one place, and many of my far-away friends can't make the trip, either for financial reasons or because of previous commitments they can't get out of.
Secondly, I have a tendency to bank way too much of my emotional and even spiritual security in my own happiness. If I'm not happy, you see, than something's wrong. If I'm not unable to contain my excitement at any given moment, I obviously have some kind of personal problems preventing me from experiencing the pure, unfluctuating pre-marital bliss that could be mine, if only my attitude was better.
Truth is, the eight months we've been engaged have been difficult. I changed schools, I missed my sister, my grandfather passed away, my family is moving from my childhood home to a different state. I've faced a lot of big life changes in a relatively short amount of time. It's been a crucible of life-altering choices and changes, you could say.
I have to admit, I idealize what I see among the many other couples I know who are about to get married. I only see a tiny fraction of their lives, but I impose a state of perfection onto them. I think that things are going so easily, so smoothly, there's nothing hard about making the choice to get married.
I was talking about these things with my dear friend and bridesmaid Anna today. She flew into town this afternoon and is going to be staying with me for the big weekend. When everyone else was out running errands, Anna and I had the house to ourselves, and while we worked on wedding tasks we were afforded some much-needed one-on-one time just to talk, like we used to so often when we lived together at Biola (never roommates, but room-neighbors, then dorm-neighbors). I confessed to Anna that I was comforted to hear about another woman getting married who is not skipping with excitement, but a little apprehensive about the big change that awaits her. I love Anna because she often sees a side of things that I don't, at least not immediately, so she helps to pull me out of my funks and keep me grounded.
"Everyone approaches change differently," she said. "Some people are just like, 'YEEESSS!', but others think about the different sides of it more, and see the happy and the sad. Whenever you say yes to something, you're saying no to something else, and it can be hard to say no to good things even when the thing you're getting is so great. And that's not inhuman."
And that's really what marriage is. Saying yes to one person, and saying no to everyone else. I have confidence that Jordan is the person I want to say yes to, but the seriousness and resolution of making that kind of commitment are aw-inspiring at least, even a little fearsome.
But that commitment is a good thing. It's a God thing. It's something that, as Pastor Mark Scales (our officiant) has said, Satan hates. And as a Christian, I love doing things that Satan hates.
I guess this all ties into the idolatry thing because I've realized that I can't rely on things like the wedding, or the parties leading up to it, or any part of this process for emotional security or my own happiness. Jordan and I were talking about this last night, and as we held hands and walked around my neighborhood in the purplish twilight I told him, "I just want my happiness to come from you and Jesus." (Jesus more, obviously, but I was trying to emphasize the fact that my spouse ought to be my rock, as far as human relationships go.)
If I find that I am sinking into an emotional bog because some expectation about the wedding wasn't met, or something goes wrong and ruins my day, or even because I obsess over the ceremony programs because they ought to be just so and wonderful and they should move people, I'm worshiping idols. The wedding planning idol, which is part of the wedding day idol, which is part of the if-I-don't-have-[fill in the blank]-then-I'm-going-to-be-forever-unhappy idol. I'm comforted again by the words of Pastor Mark: "I don't remember being very excited about planning the wedding, or even the wedding itself, but I know I enjoy being married."
In short, yes; of all the days of your life, I think everyone has a certain right to want their wedding day to go well, and to reflect them, and to be enjoyable and memorable. But I'm also getting to the point where I'm ready to be done and married and in possession of the time to write and read for pleasure, and go to movies with my husband, and relax and have breakfast on our little apartment patio.
But first, I'd like to have my bachelorette party. Word on the street is, it's going to be AWESOME.
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