Unity

Lately, I've been wondering about all of the cliches you hear tossed around when people talk about relationships and commitment. "Communication is key." "You have to make sacrifices." "It goes both ways." And, more generally, I've been wondering about what being unified with someone really means.

Obvious statement: Being in a committed relationship is definitely more difficult than being single. In the past months since Jordan and I got engaged, we've seen some of the hardest times in our relationship yet, and that's coming out of three years of serious dating.

About a week ago, Jordan and I were sitting in the Baptist Student Union on campus with our friends, Paul and Kristen, who are also a couple. As Paul and Jordan vehemently (and loudly) discussed church orthodoxy, Kristen and I chatted. She asked me about what our plans for the future are, and I told her that it somewhat depends on what kind of job Jordan gets, and where.

"Yeah," she said, "it gets hard when you have two people, because it's like, 'Well, I got a job here, but you got a job there . . .'"

That's one of the first things I'm learning about commitment, and sacrifice. The decisions I make no longer affect only me and my future and plans, and the same goes for Jordan. I think part of being unified as husband and wife means that when I make a decision, I'm not only thinking about myself - as in, Sarah - but "myself" has expanded to become Sarah and Jordan.

We talked about some of these things at our final pre-marital counseling session last Saturday. But before I get into that, I'm going to throw in a plug here: if you're engaged, I highly recommend that you look into some kind of pre-marital counseling. It's so beneficial to actually be thinking and talking about all the different nitty gritty details and nuances that are thrown into the complex, strange, exciting world of marriage. Like decisions-making, for example.

We've been doing pre-marital under the guidance of Dan and Trudy, a couple from church who has been in charge of the pre-marital front for a while. Last Saturday we doubled up to make-up the lesson we missed when we went to France for my grandfather's funeral the week before. The make-up lesson focused on the role and duties of the wife, and one of the things that came up was decision-making. I was pretty exhausted, and it was past 9:00 by the time we got into the second lesson, so I hadn't been doing a lot of talking. Jordan was the one who brought up this question:

How we should approach decisions that are of a larger-scale, such as where we're going to live? Jordan aptly explained that of the two of us, I am the one who has more trouble establishing a solid group of friends and that I really missed the community I left behind when I moved from California back home to New Mexico. As he talked, I started to get choked up, because everything he was saying was true. But I also hadn't realized that he had such a complete understanding of my feelings, and my desires.

Dan and Trudy gave us some criteria for making decisions, including spiritual factors and pragmatic factors. Of course, finances are a big part of deciding to make such a big move. But, as Trudy pointed out, my spiritual health is something to be considered, and to be considered seriously. Since it's harder for me to form deep friendships with people, it's significant to consider what would be best for me in that regard.

And then, as we were talking about indecision, Dan said something that completely blew my mind.

"Go before God together, even in indecision," he said. "It's OK to say, 'God, we don't know what to do here. This is her side, this is his side, and we can't tell what the right thing to do is."

As I've gone through various phases of indecision (often long and drawn out, and very emotionally and spiritually taxing), many people have given me similar advice: that it's alright to be unsure. It's even OK to make a decision without being entirely sure if it's right. Faith shines in times of uncertainty. In a big way, that's sort of what faith means: to have a deeper certainty and peace beneath the tumultuous ocean of choices and possible paths to take. God is good, Christ is Lord, and we have been granted eternal life and salvation from sin. Those are pretty big rocks to stand on in times of trouble. At least, they ought to be, but I'm sad to say that even as I'm writing this, I am not bereft of troubles. Even the relatively small ones, when they start gnawing, can blind me to the security I have in Christ.

Even though I've been advised similarly in the past, it's almost novel to me that Jordan and I can be in indecision, but at peace. Secure. Faith-full. I often think of indecision, or differences in opinion or desires, as sources of conflict; I'd never considered the paradoxical notion of being united in that kind of division.

I spoke earlier of the relationship cliches I hear thrown around so much; within Christian conversation, there seems to be an entirely other set of stock phrases. I'm hesitant to call Scripture cliche, but the most common one I can think of is "love your wives as Christ loves the church." Taken from Ephesians 5:25-33, which says, in its entirety:

"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, the she might holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes it and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."

OK, that's pretty packed, and a tall order for husbands. When I say that the phrase, "love your wife as Christ loves the church" is cliche, what I mean is that it's something I've heard for as long as I can remember, but I've never really understood exactly what it means. It usually conjures up ideas of sacrifice and stewardship, but that's not satisfying. Maybe no one really gets it until they're married; heck, maybe no one ever really gets it. After all, it's difficult to comprehend the enormity of Christ's love and sacrifice. However, in the past few weeks, I think I've begun to formulate a clearer understanding for myself.

In times of uncertainty, I focus my energy on relying on and trusting in God. For Christians, our security in him ought to provide that peace that surpasses understanding. Marriage, I believe, is a microcosm of that. In times of uncertainty, which we are experiencing now and, I'm sure, many more times in the future, our marriage covenant can be our source of peace and security. A married acquaintance of mine put it this way: so many people think that marriage is a loss of freedom; it's actually quite freeing. That lifelong commitment that can scare people - it's scared me - provides a unique kind of freedom. The freedom that comes in knowing that no matter what, this person is committed to being with me, working with me, loving me, crying with me, helping me, encouraging me, guiding me. And, being uncertain with me.

The key in all of this is "with me." Of course, there is a great deal of self-sacrifice that comes with marriage, much of which I'm sure I don't even know about yet. Sacrifice is also part of the "as Christ loves the church" thing. But to pledge unity even in times of uncertainty or disagreement; that's our reward for such sacrifice. It's a promise that runs deeper than any trouble we may face, one that binds us together at the core of all things.

One that God has forged, and no man shall separate.

Flowers, Flowers, Flowers!

Hey there. It's been a while; how are things?

On the wedding planning front, things are going well, although it's been an exhausting week. This time last week my family and I were in France for my grandfather's funeral. It was a short trip, so kind of a shocking dose of jet lag to deal with, and when we got back last Monday night Jordan and I had to stay up and study for finals. Yeah, that was fun.

Nonetheless! We have successfully made it through the semester, and for Jordan, he successfully made it to graduation! He's worked so hard these past four years, gone above and beyond in his academics, and he's the first person in his (immediate) family to graduate from college. I'm so proud of him.

Anyway. Wedding. I guess I'll start with the past few days.

Friday I had my first meeting with a florist. My mom bought me a nifty little book called "Bridal Bargains", which boasts to be "the book the wedding industry does NOT want you to read!" and is full of tips and tricks about how to plan a wedding on a reasonable budget. Before the florist meeting I flipped through the "flowers" section to get my bearings on what I should keep in mind and ask about. One of the first things the book said was to meet with your florist about six months before the wedding. Um, woops. Obviously, that's out of the question. As of yesterday, our wedding is exactly four weeks away (don't freak out, don't freak out). Thankfully, the florists I've talked to so far have not had a problem with the short notice. We've (my Mom and I) have met with two florists so far, and both of them said all they need is at least two weeks notice.

The first florist was one I found in the yellow pages, after many exasperating tries to get in touch with a larger, more popular florist, only to be redirected to a location I didn't want to go to every time. Friday at noon, my Mom and I walk into the flower shop.

It was bigger than I imagined; a large yellowish room that, honestly, felt a little vacuous. There were islands of flowers and fake flowers and stuffed animals around the room, but it didn't feel filled in. In a corner near the refrigerated room - the kind that you see in grocery stores where they keep the fresh flowers on display - a green patio table was set up for us, with wedding books filled with sample arrangements awaiting our perusing eyes. The wedding coordinator we met with was also not what I expected: a large man with thick hands and thin glasses, dressed very casually in a gray shirt, jeans and his green florist apron.

In spite it being a lot of things I didn't expect, the meeting went very well. I was impressed with the florist's - named Will - knowledge, and in spite of the many warnings in "Bridal Bargains" about vendors who are out to swindle naive brides, Will was only helpful, even suggesting things to save us time and money (i.e. not ordering many different colors of flowers, having a couple of the groomsmen come pick up the bouquets the day of). He understood my vision of keeping things simple and elegant, and had some great suggestions. The final estimated price came out to be about $275.00, which, according to Will, is fairly reasonable. I was hoping for something less, but from what I've heard $300.00 is about standard for wedding flowers.

Saturday was taken up with Jordan's graduation and celebrating afterwards.

Sunday (yesterday) we went to church, I took a nap on Jordan's couch while he and his roommate watched "Heroes" (Jordan's new obsession. I wouldn't mind, except it's taken his attention away from Buffy, which he no longer wants to watch with me, claiming that Heroes is way better. I disagree), and around 4:00 I came home to work on invitations. Yes, we've still got invites to send out; we've invited a lot of people via Facebook whose addresses we didn't have at the time of the first send-out, and after I stressed out about what to do for a while, my Mom very rationally pointed out that if some have already gotten FB invites, it's still OK to send them real ones, even this late in the game.

After looking through our many address lists, I decided that it would be helpful to compile everything into one big list, a task that ended up taking me several hours last night and a while this morning to finish. It was as boring and tedious as data entry, even when I played part of Alec Baldwin hosting SNL on Hulu to try and keep myself entertained. I do think it's helpful to have everything in one place, though, although I fear there may still be a few addresses that have alluded me . . .

Which brings us to today. We were supposed to meet with another florist at 11:00, but I woke up at 10:00 not feeling up to jumping out of bed and straight into more meetings and checklists, so I called to reschedule for tomorrow. After breakfast (Special K and a kiwi; I've been trying out that "Special K diet" in an extra attempt to trim off a little bit before the wedding) I made a few phone calls to the florist we were going to meet with today, just to double check the time of our appointment. Then, like I mentioned, I went upstairs to finish off the address list. Jordan had come over, so I gave him the tasks of calling the hotel where we're having the ceremony to ask about sound equipment and setting a time for the rehearsal.

Lisa (my soon-to-be mother in-law) called me about an invitation that never made it to its receiver. Turns out the address was out-dated. We also talked a little bit about my bridal shower, which won't be until the week before the wedding so that my older sister/maid of honor, Rebekah, can be there. She's currently in L.A. going to law school and won't be back until early June. Later that morning, my mom called a bakery and a tea house about reserving space for a shower, but other than that we don't have a lot of concrete ideas right now. Like everything else, though, I have confidence that it will come together when it needs to.

OK, florist #2: a pleasant woman at a smaller but much more heavily decorated flower shop. We met with her at 3:00, and I told her my ideas and she added some of her own. I never knew there were so many types of "filler" flowers (i.e. baby's breath, but in many different styles and colors). I'd been hoping for a wildflower-esque floral theme, and some colorful fillers seem to be just the thing.

Halfway through our meeting, however, Deana (pleasant lady florist) found out about a funeral she needed to prep flowers for tonight at 6:00, and I noticed that she started to talk faster and act more rushed. This, along with all the pictures of flowers, names of flowers, suggestions for flowers, and bouquets of flowers that surrounded us, got me a little overwhelmed. Generally, I think the meeting went well, and it was definitely helpful and gave me some better ideas of exactly what I want. We didn't get a price estimation, though. Deana will mail one to us. Mom gets the feeling it will be a little bit more expensive, but we'll see.

We made a couple of other stops on the way home: Staples, to get a planner of the kind I've been wanting (exclusively for wedding things, so I can keep track of people's phone numbers, to-do lists, and appointments all in one place); Walgreens, so I could get a less-expensive planner (we had some buyer's remorse walking out of Staples; all of the cheap planners were school ones with calendars that didn't start until September so we had to go for the pricier ones); and Albertson's, because my mom wanted to show me the many beautiful (and cheap) potted flowers that they have right now. She's been suggesting for a while that we should look into something like that to decorate the chapel for the ceremony. I, I'm a little ashamed to say, have been ignoring my mom's ideas because I didn't think the chapel needed any decoration, and I wanted to keep things simple. However, Deana was actually the one to mention that there are shelves in the front of the chapel where people often put potted flowers to add color to the all-white background, and after seeing the flowers my mom has been imploring me to look at for weeks, I think they're both right.

Someday, I hope, I'll learn that my parents usually give very wise and insightful advice. There's one thing I know for sure: without the help of my parents, Jordan's parents, and other friends and family members, our wedding (or the planning of it, at this point) would not be where it is today. And for that, I know I am incredibly blessed, and I am very thankful.