TOMS

For our wedding, the entire wedding party wore TOMS shoes. It was that little off-the-beaten-path touch that we wanted, and I think everyone looked great.

In spite of the fact that TOMS are kind of pricey - when you buy a pair, you really buy two, because they donate a pair of shoes to children in need - I have decided that it was a great investment.

Jordan and I wear our TOMS all the time (I'm wearing mine right now, in fact!). If I had worn fancy heels, I'm sure I would seldom wear them again. Besides, my feet would have been killing me. For any brides out there, I highly encourage flats for the wedding. Your blister-free feet will thank you.

One Week(ish) In

We've been married for a little over a week now. Jordan said this to me on our honeymoon, and I think it describes well how things have been so far: "Isn't it funny how not different this feels?"

Jordan and I have been together nearly four years. We've soared through the elated first year, suffered a break-up, navigated the choppy waters of relationship defining and getting back together. After all of that, it's true; while getting married is a huge step, in a lot of ways it only feels natural. Jordan is my best friend, my spiritual guide, my "inner logician" (a term he gave himself when he decided I tend to neglect logic when making basic decisions). And now, he's my husband. A new title to add to the list, but things haven't changed that much.

On the flip side, I have been thinking about the changes that have taken place, even if they're subtle ones. My mom and sisters live not five minutes away from our new apartment, but now I've dropped down to seeing them once or twice a week as opposed to every single day. It's kind of like when you graduate; the friends you're used to seeing almost every day are now, suddenly, incredibly far away. I'm always surprised at how much effort it requires to regularly visit friends and family even when you live in the same town as them. Everyone is always so busy; work, school, other obligations and responsibilities, unexpected circumstances. Even at less than five minutes away, you still have to make a firm effort to see people.

Even though it's been only a little over a week, I feel a little sad at the thought of pulling away fro my family. We'll always be family, of course, and I will always love and cherish the wonderful family God has blessed me with, but Jordan is my priority relationship now. Our family, the me-and-him family, is the one that needs the most attention and nourishment. It's going to be a somewhat strange transition, but like I said before, it feels very natural in a lot of ways, too.

Since the wedding planning is all over now, I'm not sure how much I'll be posting on here anymore. Feel free to check out my normal blog for basic life updates. I think I'll keep writing on Wedding Thoughts for a while, and I'll definitely keep it up and running, but I think it's time to start weening off of it.

That said, I feel like I should end with some moving reflection on the journey of getting married. Since I can't think of anything right now, I'll just say this: Jordan and I were talking about it last night, and while the wedding is certainly the culmination of months of stress and planning and appointments and shopping, it is only the beginning. Who knows what the future holds? Whatever it is, Jordan and I have impossibly promised each other that even though we have no idea what might happen, we will stand by each other. It is only thanks to God and his grace, and our marriage firmly tied together by Christ, that we may stay true to our word.

Lord have mercy.

The New Life That Awaits Has Already Begun

I can't write much because it's almost 1:00 and tomorrow, I'm getting married.

Somehow, this all still feels surreal. Or maybe, it's not surrealism I'm feeling, but a sense that this is all natural and normal. It feels normal to be with Jordan, to be marrying him. Of course, tomorrow is not a normal, ordinary day; in fact, tomorrow is going to be one of those days where the ordinary (a chapel, a restaurant, a dress, a party, a room where I wait with my friends and family to walk down an aisle) becomes extraordinary. But in a way, after all of this planning and preparation and expectation and anticipation, this just feels right. In a way, as a mentor of mine once put it, "the new life that awaits has already begun." Jordan already feels like a husband to me. He's been a leader and a lover and a giver. We're involved with each other's families. He's come to France with us twice - first in January to visit, then in May for my grandfather's funeral. I remember distinctly thinking on that trip that it was one of those times where the new life had already begun. He comforted my mom, holding her in a hug after we went to the viewing. He talked and laughed and fellowshipped with my cousins and aunts and uncles. He looked after me when I started to feel sick. I wonder how different our relationship will, or won't, feel after tomorrow.

I keep thinking about how this is such a huge thing that we're doing, and I keep thinking that I should be more nervous and frightened than I am. But I also have a strong feeling that I'm going to wake up in the morning very nervous. I can fall asleep because I'm tired, but once I wake up tomorrow I think it'll be go go go until 2:00.

I really want to be calm and focused and aware tomorrow. I don't want it to be a "blur", as so many people say it will be. Anna told me the other day that she was really in awe at her sister's wedding last summer, because she realized that it's such a rare and special and amazing thing to be making a covenant before God and witnesses. That same mentor I quoted earlier also told me this: tomorrow is a day that will be full of outrageous promises that are only made and kept by grace. I couldn't put it better myself.

By God's grace I have Jordan in my life. By grace I have the family and friends I do, who have helped me and loved me and comforted me and inspired me and lived with me throughout this whole process, and who will be there at my side tomorrow. I think it's amazing that Jordan and I are literally going to be flanked by some of the most special people in our lives. We each have a fleet of wingmen who are there to watch out for us and cheer us on.

Tonight, I'm going to pray that God will grant us grace and peace tomorrow.

Soon, I want to catch up on all those things I mentioned earlier, as well as my awesome bachelorette party. I knew Rebekah would do a good job.

Confessions (two days to go!)

For the most part, I think I've been pretty good this whole time about not being perfectionistic about our wedding. Hannah and I like to watch "Say Yes to the Dress" on TLC from time to time, and while I enjoy seeing the different branches of wedding fashion, I am always floored by how much the featured brides are willing to shell out for a dress they're going to wear for one day. The cheapest gowns I've ever seen on the show are about $3,000, and some episodes have spotlighted brides obsessed with gowns up to $10,000.

Of course, it's easy to let all of the wedding preparations balloon out of control. It seems that the thought that "this only happens once" can easily take hold of even the most level-headed brides. I'm not always the most level-headed, but when shopping for a gown, or making the invitations, or picking music for the ceremony, I didn't really let things go to my head. I don't really remember thinking, "this has to be perfect because this is our only shot" about any of those things. I mentioned this to Jordan, and he responded, "Good. Keep thinking that way."

But with the wedding so close, and reality sinking in that this is really happening, and all eyes will be on us that day, I honestly think that our wedding, as well as aspects of the preparations, have turned into idols. Somewhere between a month to go and two weeks to go, the wedding became gilded in gold, and it morphed into this combination of unrealistic ideals and thoughts of what-ifs and it-should've-been. It's taken a couple of breakdowns and a couple of lost hours of sleep and several rational talks with Jordan to make me realize that I have begun to "perfectionist" the wedding, getting in arguments with Jordan over things like whether we should sing a hymn in the ceremony, or picking out songs to put on our CD mix wedding favors.

I think I understand why this happens, at least in part. Let me speak from a woman's perspective: typically, a woman's wedding day is probably the only day in her life where everyone is waiting on her hand and foot; everyone is anticipating her entrance into the ceremony; all eyes are on her, photographers follow her every move like paparazzi, everyone tells her how beautiful she is, everyone is thinking about her, her, her. With all of that attention comes a lot of pressure, and who wouldn't want everything to be perfect? After all, this is basically the biggest party of your life, literally hundreds of people show up, and most brides spend months (or, Lord help them, over a year) preparing for this, as well as preparing themselves, striving to be as beautiful as possible.

So yeah, it can get a little overwhelming, to say the least. And I am the kind of person who can place a lot of stock in events like this; I desperately want things to go perfectly, so that I have nothing but pleasant, beautiful memories to give me happiness for the rest of my days. But there are a lot of things wrong with that sentence. First of all, nothing is going to go perfectly, and it's definitely not going to go exactly how you expect it to. If I had it my way, all of my family and friends would be here all of the time, and we would laugh and plan and be excited about everything together. But as it is, my family doesn't all live in one place, and many of my far-away friends can't make the trip, either for financial reasons or because of previous commitments they can't get out of.

Secondly, I have a tendency to bank way too much of my emotional and even spiritual security in my own happiness. If I'm not happy, you see, than something's wrong. If I'm not unable to contain my excitement at any given moment, I obviously have some kind of personal problems preventing me from experiencing the pure, unfluctuating pre-marital bliss that could be mine, if only my attitude was better.

Truth is, the eight months we've been engaged have been difficult. I changed schools, I missed my sister, my grandfather passed away, my family is moving from my childhood home to a different state. I've faced a lot of big life changes in a relatively short amount of time. It's been a crucible of life-altering choices and changes, you could say.

I have to admit, I idealize what I see among the many other couples I know who are about to get married. I only see a tiny fraction of their lives, but I impose a state of perfection onto them. I think that things are going so easily, so smoothly, there's nothing hard about making the choice to get married.

I was talking about these things with my dear friend and bridesmaid Anna today. She flew into town this afternoon and is going to be staying with me for the big weekend. When everyone else was out running errands, Anna and I had the house to ourselves, and while we worked on wedding tasks we were afforded some much-needed one-on-one time just to talk, like we used to so often when we lived together at Biola (never roommates, but room-neighbors, then dorm-neighbors). I confessed to Anna that I was comforted to hear about another woman getting married who is not skipping with excitement, but a little apprehensive about the big change that awaits her. I love Anna because she often sees a side of things that I don't, at least not immediately, so she helps to pull me out of my funks and keep me grounded.

"Everyone approaches change differently," she said. "Some people are just like, 'YEEESSS!', but others think about the different sides of it more, and see the happy and the sad. Whenever you say yes to something, you're saying no to something else, and it can be hard to say no to good things even when the thing you're getting is so great. And that's not inhuman."

And that's really what marriage is. Saying yes to one person, and saying no to everyone else. I have confidence that Jordan is the person I want to say yes to, but the seriousness and resolution of making that kind of commitment are aw-inspiring at least, even a little fearsome.

But that commitment is a good thing. It's a God thing. It's something that, as Pastor Mark Scales (our officiant) has said, Satan hates. And as a Christian, I love doing things that Satan hates.

I guess this all ties into the idolatry thing because I've realized that I can't rely on things like the wedding, or the parties leading up to it, or any part of this process for emotional security or my own happiness. Jordan and I were talking about this last night, and as we held hands and walked around my neighborhood in the purplish twilight I told him, "I just want my happiness to come from you and Jesus." (Jesus more, obviously, but I was trying to emphasize the fact that my spouse ought to be my rock, as far as human relationships go.)

If I find that I am sinking into an emotional bog because some expectation about the wedding wasn't met, or something goes wrong and ruins my day, or even because I obsess over the ceremony programs because they ought to be just so and wonderful and they should move people, I'm worshiping idols. The wedding planning idol, which is part of the wedding day idol, which is part of the if-I-don't-have-[fill in the blank]-then-I'm-going-to-be-forever-unhappy idol. I'm comforted again by the words of Pastor Mark: "I don't remember being very excited about planning the wedding, or even the wedding itself, but I know I enjoy being married."

In short, yes; of all the days of your life, I think everyone has a certain right to want their wedding day to go well, and to reflect them, and to be enjoyable and memorable. But I'm also getting to the point where I'm ready to be done and married and in possession of the time to write and read for pleasure, and go to movies with my husband, and relax and have breakfast on our little apartment patio.

But first, I'd like to have my bachelorette party. Word on the street is, it's going to be AWESOME.

I'm pretty disappointed in myself. I've let myself fall off the edge of the blogosphere, and now it's going to be hard for me to get back in, especially with the inevitable business this weekend is going to bring. Did I mention that we're getting married in four days?

I've got a couple of blogs, and lots of thoughts, on backlog. I'm not sure the best way to do this; I think I'll try to backtrack by working through the past couple of weeks until I get back to the present.

I can't get over the feeling that I've failed a little bit. I know there's not a lot riding on my writings here - only my own self-processing and peace of mind - but I wanted to be more consistent than I have been. I'm not giving up, though. And I'm trying to beat this dejected attitude by reminding myself that just because the wedding planning process is coming to a close, it doesn't mean that I, or our relationship, is done growing.

Unity

Lately, I've been wondering about all of the cliches you hear tossed around when people talk about relationships and commitment. "Communication is key." "You have to make sacrifices." "It goes both ways." And, more generally, I've been wondering about what being unified with someone really means.

Obvious statement: Being in a committed relationship is definitely more difficult than being single. In the past months since Jordan and I got engaged, we've seen some of the hardest times in our relationship yet, and that's coming out of three years of serious dating.

About a week ago, Jordan and I were sitting in the Baptist Student Union on campus with our friends, Paul and Kristen, who are also a couple. As Paul and Jordan vehemently (and loudly) discussed church orthodoxy, Kristen and I chatted. She asked me about what our plans for the future are, and I told her that it somewhat depends on what kind of job Jordan gets, and where.

"Yeah," she said, "it gets hard when you have two people, because it's like, 'Well, I got a job here, but you got a job there . . .'"

That's one of the first things I'm learning about commitment, and sacrifice. The decisions I make no longer affect only me and my future and plans, and the same goes for Jordan. I think part of being unified as husband and wife means that when I make a decision, I'm not only thinking about myself - as in, Sarah - but "myself" has expanded to become Sarah and Jordan.

We talked about some of these things at our final pre-marital counseling session last Saturday. But before I get into that, I'm going to throw in a plug here: if you're engaged, I highly recommend that you look into some kind of pre-marital counseling. It's so beneficial to actually be thinking and talking about all the different nitty gritty details and nuances that are thrown into the complex, strange, exciting world of marriage. Like decisions-making, for example.

We've been doing pre-marital under the guidance of Dan and Trudy, a couple from church who has been in charge of the pre-marital front for a while. Last Saturday we doubled up to make-up the lesson we missed when we went to France for my grandfather's funeral the week before. The make-up lesson focused on the role and duties of the wife, and one of the things that came up was decision-making. I was pretty exhausted, and it was past 9:00 by the time we got into the second lesson, so I hadn't been doing a lot of talking. Jordan was the one who brought up this question:

How we should approach decisions that are of a larger-scale, such as where we're going to live? Jordan aptly explained that of the two of us, I am the one who has more trouble establishing a solid group of friends and that I really missed the community I left behind when I moved from California back home to New Mexico. As he talked, I started to get choked up, because everything he was saying was true. But I also hadn't realized that he had such a complete understanding of my feelings, and my desires.

Dan and Trudy gave us some criteria for making decisions, including spiritual factors and pragmatic factors. Of course, finances are a big part of deciding to make such a big move. But, as Trudy pointed out, my spiritual health is something to be considered, and to be considered seriously. Since it's harder for me to form deep friendships with people, it's significant to consider what would be best for me in that regard.

And then, as we were talking about indecision, Dan said something that completely blew my mind.

"Go before God together, even in indecision," he said. "It's OK to say, 'God, we don't know what to do here. This is her side, this is his side, and we can't tell what the right thing to do is."

As I've gone through various phases of indecision (often long and drawn out, and very emotionally and spiritually taxing), many people have given me similar advice: that it's alright to be unsure. It's even OK to make a decision without being entirely sure if it's right. Faith shines in times of uncertainty. In a big way, that's sort of what faith means: to have a deeper certainty and peace beneath the tumultuous ocean of choices and possible paths to take. God is good, Christ is Lord, and we have been granted eternal life and salvation from sin. Those are pretty big rocks to stand on in times of trouble. At least, they ought to be, but I'm sad to say that even as I'm writing this, I am not bereft of troubles. Even the relatively small ones, when they start gnawing, can blind me to the security I have in Christ.

Even though I've been advised similarly in the past, it's almost novel to me that Jordan and I can be in indecision, but at peace. Secure. Faith-full. I often think of indecision, or differences in opinion or desires, as sources of conflict; I'd never considered the paradoxical notion of being united in that kind of division.

I spoke earlier of the relationship cliches I hear thrown around so much; within Christian conversation, there seems to be an entirely other set of stock phrases. I'm hesitant to call Scripture cliche, but the most common one I can think of is "love your wives as Christ loves the church." Taken from Ephesians 5:25-33, which says, in its entirety:

"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, the she might holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes it and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."

OK, that's pretty packed, and a tall order for husbands. When I say that the phrase, "love your wife as Christ loves the church" is cliche, what I mean is that it's something I've heard for as long as I can remember, but I've never really understood exactly what it means. It usually conjures up ideas of sacrifice and stewardship, but that's not satisfying. Maybe no one really gets it until they're married; heck, maybe no one ever really gets it. After all, it's difficult to comprehend the enormity of Christ's love and sacrifice. However, in the past few weeks, I think I've begun to formulate a clearer understanding for myself.

In times of uncertainty, I focus my energy on relying on and trusting in God. For Christians, our security in him ought to provide that peace that surpasses understanding. Marriage, I believe, is a microcosm of that. In times of uncertainty, which we are experiencing now and, I'm sure, many more times in the future, our marriage covenant can be our source of peace and security. A married acquaintance of mine put it this way: so many people think that marriage is a loss of freedom; it's actually quite freeing. That lifelong commitment that can scare people - it's scared me - provides a unique kind of freedom. The freedom that comes in knowing that no matter what, this person is committed to being with me, working with me, loving me, crying with me, helping me, encouraging me, guiding me. And, being uncertain with me.

The key in all of this is "with me." Of course, there is a great deal of self-sacrifice that comes with marriage, much of which I'm sure I don't even know about yet. Sacrifice is also part of the "as Christ loves the church" thing. But to pledge unity even in times of uncertainty or disagreement; that's our reward for such sacrifice. It's a promise that runs deeper than any trouble we may face, one that binds us together at the core of all things.

One that God has forged, and no man shall separate.

Flowers, Flowers, Flowers!

Hey there. It's been a while; how are things?

On the wedding planning front, things are going well, although it's been an exhausting week. This time last week my family and I were in France for my grandfather's funeral. It was a short trip, so kind of a shocking dose of jet lag to deal with, and when we got back last Monday night Jordan and I had to stay up and study for finals. Yeah, that was fun.

Nonetheless! We have successfully made it through the semester, and for Jordan, he successfully made it to graduation! He's worked so hard these past four years, gone above and beyond in his academics, and he's the first person in his (immediate) family to graduate from college. I'm so proud of him.

Anyway. Wedding. I guess I'll start with the past few days.

Friday I had my first meeting with a florist. My mom bought me a nifty little book called "Bridal Bargains", which boasts to be "the book the wedding industry does NOT want you to read!" and is full of tips and tricks about how to plan a wedding on a reasonable budget. Before the florist meeting I flipped through the "flowers" section to get my bearings on what I should keep in mind and ask about. One of the first things the book said was to meet with your florist about six months before the wedding. Um, woops. Obviously, that's out of the question. As of yesterday, our wedding is exactly four weeks away (don't freak out, don't freak out). Thankfully, the florists I've talked to so far have not had a problem with the short notice. We've (my Mom and I) have met with two florists so far, and both of them said all they need is at least two weeks notice.

The first florist was one I found in the yellow pages, after many exasperating tries to get in touch with a larger, more popular florist, only to be redirected to a location I didn't want to go to every time. Friday at noon, my Mom and I walk into the flower shop.

It was bigger than I imagined; a large yellowish room that, honestly, felt a little vacuous. There were islands of flowers and fake flowers and stuffed animals around the room, but it didn't feel filled in. In a corner near the refrigerated room - the kind that you see in grocery stores where they keep the fresh flowers on display - a green patio table was set up for us, with wedding books filled with sample arrangements awaiting our perusing eyes. The wedding coordinator we met with was also not what I expected: a large man with thick hands and thin glasses, dressed very casually in a gray shirt, jeans and his green florist apron.

In spite it being a lot of things I didn't expect, the meeting went very well. I was impressed with the florist's - named Will - knowledge, and in spite of the many warnings in "Bridal Bargains" about vendors who are out to swindle naive brides, Will was only helpful, even suggesting things to save us time and money (i.e. not ordering many different colors of flowers, having a couple of the groomsmen come pick up the bouquets the day of). He understood my vision of keeping things simple and elegant, and had some great suggestions. The final estimated price came out to be about $275.00, which, according to Will, is fairly reasonable. I was hoping for something less, but from what I've heard $300.00 is about standard for wedding flowers.

Saturday was taken up with Jordan's graduation and celebrating afterwards.

Sunday (yesterday) we went to church, I took a nap on Jordan's couch while he and his roommate watched "Heroes" (Jordan's new obsession. I wouldn't mind, except it's taken his attention away from Buffy, which he no longer wants to watch with me, claiming that Heroes is way better. I disagree), and around 4:00 I came home to work on invitations. Yes, we've still got invites to send out; we've invited a lot of people via Facebook whose addresses we didn't have at the time of the first send-out, and after I stressed out about what to do for a while, my Mom very rationally pointed out that if some have already gotten FB invites, it's still OK to send them real ones, even this late in the game.

After looking through our many address lists, I decided that it would be helpful to compile everything into one big list, a task that ended up taking me several hours last night and a while this morning to finish. It was as boring and tedious as data entry, even when I played part of Alec Baldwin hosting SNL on Hulu to try and keep myself entertained. I do think it's helpful to have everything in one place, though, although I fear there may still be a few addresses that have alluded me . . .

Which brings us to today. We were supposed to meet with another florist at 11:00, but I woke up at 10:00 not feeling up to jumping out of bed and straight into more meetings and checklists, so I called to reschedule for tomorrow. After breakfast (Special K and a kiwi; I've been trying out that "Special K diet" in an extra attempt to trim off a little bit before the wedding) I made a few phone calls to the florist we were going to meet with today, just to double check the time of our appointment. Then, like I mentioned, I went upstairs to finish off the address list. Jordan had come over, so I gave him the tasks of calling the hotel where we're having the ceremony to ask about sound equipment and setting a time for the rehearsal.

Lisa (my soon-to-be mother in-law) called me about an invitation that never made it to its receiver. Turns out the address was out-dated. We also talked a little bit about my bridal shower, which won't be until the week before the wedding so that my older sister/maid of honor, Rebekah, can be there. She's currently in L.A. going to law school and won't be back until early June. Later that morning, my mom called a bakery and a tea house about reserving space for a shower, but other than that we don't have a lot of concrete ideas right now. Like everything else, though, I have confidence that it will come together when it needs to.

OK, florist #2: a pleasant woman at a smaller but much more heavily decorated flower shop. We met with her at 3:00, and I told her my ideas and she added some of her own. I never knew there were so many types of "filler" flowers (i.e. baby's breath, but in many different styles and colors). I'd been hoping for a wildflower-esque floral theme, and some colorful fillers seem to be just the thing.

Halfway through our meeting, however, Deana (pleasant lady florist) found out about a funeral she needed to prep flowers for tonight at 6:00, and I noticed that she started to talk faster and act more rushed. This, along with all the pictures of flowers, names of flowers, suggestions for flowers, and bouquets of flowers that surrounded us, got me a little overwhelmed. Generally, I think the meeting went well, and it was definitely helpful and gave me some better ideas of exactly what I want. We didn't get a price estimation, though. Deana will mail one to us. Mom gets the feeling it will be a little bit more expensive, but we'll see.

We made a couple of other stops on the way home: Staples, to get a planner of the kind I've been wanting (exclusively for wedding things, so I can keep track of people's phone numbers, to-do lists, and appointments all in one place); Walgreens, so I could get a less-expensive planner (we had some buyer's remorse walking out of Staples; all of the cheap planners were school ones with calendars that didn't start until September so we had to go for the pricier ones); and Albertson's, because my mom wanted to show me the many beautiful (and cheap) potted flowers that they have right now. She's been suggesting for a while that we should look into something like that to decorate the chapel for the ceremony. I, I'm a little ashamed to say, have been ignoring my mom's ideas because I didn't think the chapel needed any decoration, and I wanted to keep things simple. However, Deana was actually the one to mention that there are shelves in the front of the chapel where people often put potted flowers to add color to the all-white background, and after seeing the flowers my mom has been imploring me to look at for weeks, I think they're both right.

Someday, I hope, I'll learn that my parents usually give very wise and insightful advice. There's one thing I know for sure: without the help of my parents, Jordan's parents, and other friends and family members, our wedding (or the planning of it, at this point) would not be where it is today. And for that, I know I am incredibly blessed, and I am very thankful.